Let me get real with you...
This is probably the most personal post I've done to date. I was once in a relationship with a guy, let's call him shitface :). Shitface seemed like the right choice for me when I met him. He was so attentive, he would engage in long conversations with me, he would talk about the future, he seemed to have a plan for the future, he was hurt before just like I was and we both liked the same kind of music. I was in my 20s when I met Mr Shitface. I was still in college and had no idea what I really wanted to do in life but for one thing, I was certain, I found a really good guy and I was going to hang on to him.
Couple months in the texts from the others girls would happen. He would always have a good "excuse" for the texts and since I couldn't actually see the text, I believed him. I would always dream about him cheating even when that was the furthest thing from my mind. As time passed his true colours started to show. The first time I found out he cheated, I tried to make an excuse for him and I forgave him, started to blame myself, cried for days... dumb right...
Let me give you a scenario.
*Phone notification goes off*
Sue: Who is that ?
Shitface: My coworker.
Sue: Coworker has a name?
Shitface: Yeah, (says name)
Sue: So what y'all talking about ?
Sue: Let me see.
Shitface: *throws phone on the ground and the screen breaks*
Did he stop cheating? Nah! He continued to be a thot and cheating became his middle name. Whenever I wanted to go out with my friends he would call me to either stop me from getting ready or send me messages while I was out to make me feel guilty about going out. Eventually, I started to believe I was the problem and my confidence was nowhere to be found. I never told my friends because I was afraid of what they would say. When I tried to leave the situation he would know exactly what to say to get me to stay. I didn't want to start over and he made me feel I didn't deserve better. I started to find ways to cope with the situation but it just didn't feel right.
Although this story happened a long time ago, I think about it often. I remember what I went through and what I know I will NO longer accept in a relationship.
Here's how you can tell you are in a toxic relationship:
1. Every aspect of your life is under your partner's control.
2. Your partner makes it clear that they need you for everything.
3. You are slowly being encouraged to be away from your friends and family to spend all the time with them.
4. Your partner is jealous of any success or even get angry when you have a good time with someone else.
5. You find yourself letting your partner have their way all the time to avoid an argument.
6. Your partner is only nice in public but aggressive behind close do
If you can identify with more than 2 of the situations i have mentioned above,you are in a toxic relationship and you should do everything in your power to get out of it. Don't beat yourself up, stop telling yourself you're the problem. Stop staying with toxic people. Put your focus, time and energy into surrounding yourself with people who inspire you, support you and help you grow. Be happy, be wise.
Remember we teach others how to love us by the way we love ourselves.
Until next time,